Brutal beating in the Bible Belt

This happened in Dallas. An operations manager for Jack in the Box was late for a meeting and called his boss to tell him he was running late. As he was leaving the voice mail message, he witnessed an accident and went on to provide "play by play" of the incident. This is the actual voice mail message. It was forwarded so many times within Jack in the Box, it crashed their voice mail server:

http://scottrope.typepad.com/scott_rope/files/voice_mail.mp3

Frito-Lay dabbles in OTC drugs

Revenge of the Dorks

Most of you have probably already seen this, but in recognition of this week's historic release of the final Star Wars movie "Revenge of the Sith," I'm posting the legendary video "Nerd Wars." (Triumph in '08.)

Does he ever get fruit snacks caught in that thing?

I found this great shot of actor Sam Elliott.




Apparently his son Sammy Elliott Jr. is also an up-and-coming talent...czech the head shot:



Amazingly, the photo is legit--order your fake mustaches at www.orientaltrading.com! Click here to see an example of fake mustache hilarity.

Feel good about yourself!

...because most likely you're going to amount to a whole lot more than these guys. But all kidding aside, these musicians--let's call them The Sin Destroyers, because that's their name--are really onto something. "Jesus Is My Drug" is the long-awaited vindication of Stryper's well-publicized Bible benders from two decades ago...

Many thanks to John Clingan for making us all better people.

Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad

You might say it's too much of a lob to just paste an Onion article into my blog and call it art...and you'd be a right. But this one is pure brilliance:


Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad

AMSTERDAM—American students traveling abroad confirm the findings of a study indicating that Washington's unilateral approach to foreign policy has seriously undermined Americans' chances of getting laid.

"I've been in Amsterdam for two months and have yet to begin a conversation with a cute girl that hasn't ended in a lecture about how big, evil America is taking everyone's oil," said college sophomore Brad Higgs, a participant in Johns Hopkins University's study-abroad program. "I offer to buy them a drink, and they tell me I shouldn't just stand by and watch Bush destroy the world. Look, if I had that type of pull with the president, I obviously wouldn't be out trolling for anonymous Dutch pussy."

The report, released Monday by the Center For U.S.-International Casual Relations, was based on interviews with approximately 1,400 American students returning from abroad. According to study director Gilbert Hapbrook, sexual contact between American students and foreigners has declined steadily since January 2001.

"Unpopular military actions and dismissal of international organizations have galvanized world hostility toward the U.S.," Hapbrook said. "Instead of being inundated with questions about Hollywood and requests to help hot young foreigners practice their English, Americans are being openly scorned in European pubs and cafes. Data taken from a poll of students in December 2004 showed that only a dismal 11 percent had achieved sexual congress with a non-American."

Hapbrook said the 2004 overseas-coitus figures show a slight recovery from the all-time low reached in November 2002, after the Afghanistan invasion and during escalating conflict with Iraq. But the figures are still well below those of 1999, when Bill Clinton was in office and a very healthy 67 percent of respondents scored abroad.

"I'm in Amsterdam—Amsterdam, for Christ's sake—and I'm in the middle of the longest dry spell I can remember," Higgs said. "Last week, I was making out with this Italian girl at a concert. It was all going great until the music ended and she heard my American accent. I swear to God, I went from the cusp of a hand job to, 'Why won't your country sign the Kyoto Treaty?'"

University of Colorado junior Casey Knight recently arrived in Amsterdam after a month in Germany.

"I asked a group of German girls at some Eurotrash disco to dance and they started yelling at me," Knight said. "They said that by paying taxes to the American government, I am no better than a fascist. Well, they would know, I guess."

Even students who actively oppose President Bush are susceptible to criticism, according to Emily Biehn, a Duke University student spending her spring semester in Paris.

"I voted for Kerry and I marched against the Iraq war," Biehn said. "But when I got to Europe, I might as well have been wearing a Bush bumper sticker on my forehead and star-spangled cowboy boots. As soon as the French guys hear I am from the U.S., all they want to do is argue politics."

"And switching tactics and acting like you're totally apathetic about politics just pisses them off even more," Biehn added.

Acknowledging that a large-scale change in American foreign policy is unlikely to occur before the end of the current semester, Hapbrook recommended three tactics for American students frustrated in their attempts to bed foreigners.

"First, pretend you're Canadian whenever you can," Hapbrook said. "But make sure you're not around actual Canadians, because they'll know you're lying and cock-block you. Second, if there are any anti-American protests going on, take care to avoid women carrying signs. Third, focus your itinerary on countries like Ireland and Japan that are still relatively friendly to Americans."

"You may want to write off France altogether," Hapbrook added.

Hapbrook said he developed his tactics in 1983, when the American government was practicing hardline Cold War foreign policy and he was spending his junior year abroad.

Higgs, who spends most of his time in his hostel playing solitaire and watching DVDs on his laptop computer, urged students back home to write to their congressional representatives.

"This affects all of us," Higgs said. "The government has to acknowledge the needs of young Americans. Too many U.S. citizens in foreign lands are spending sleepless, lonely nights jerking off in increasingly filthy sleeping bags. It sucks."

And speaking of Nickelback...

There's nothing funnier than a rock n' roll band that yells out "Who's ready to rock!?!?!" ...and no one is in fact ready to rock. Unless by "ready to rock" you mean throwing rocks at the band.
This one is a few years old, and still kills me...

Raw Bay Area reporting!

Driving Down The 101: blogging the way all of yous like it.

This week's gem is the American Idol Rant. This is a show which pushes the bile to the tip of my tongue, whose popularity makes me weep for the future leadership of my country...so naturally the protagonists are deserving targets of ridicule. These are people whose inevitable downfall on this show is justifiably "cartoonified" for the masses, ostensibly as one more subtle indication that the American Dream is about originality and humility, not about belting out a cheesy ballad to make millions.

If you're going to stoop to that level, why not make it easy on all of us and join the Juice Crew?