Dangerous on the dance floor!

Just in time for your New Year's Eve rave--some hot moves for the parquet! The only thing funnier would be if the video were actually of these three little bundles of humanity:




Happy New Year from NJguido.com!

Boom goes the dynamite!

You've probably seen this low-rent college sportscast by now...it took the world by storm over a month ago.

To anyone unfamiliar with the New Jersey stereotype...

A simple cab ribe through Hoboken turns into something much more--reverse taxicab confessions. Note the quality of this man's upbringing.

NCAA Football meets The Simpsons

Yes! We got Kent Brockman. Thus only minimal damage sustained compared to other Big Ten teams, such as Illinois who nailed the pick of the litter--Milhouse.

Enjoy folks...this is really impressive.

The day the rippin' B-chord died...

Yes! This just goes to show that 1990's Saturday Night Live fodder is still the gift that keeps on giving...

Shame on the entire journalistic profession...

...for condoning the blatant ridicule of a clear case of Muppet-Babies-Larynx...

2005 - Superfans In Chicago

This ought to speak for itself:




http://www.loqandkey.com/superfans2005/bears.html

Why Kiwis are cool, even cops

Did he learn those moves from Mike Ditka?

Slow stretch right now...this crotch shot will have to tide us over for a bit.

Rita Hayworth or Ava Gardner--who would you rather nail?

Off with the gloves! If only these young whippersnappers stopped to think for one second, they'd have realized they could each have had an Olsen twin to themselves...

Beware the little bell in the bushes!

It's August, a new month. Kids are wrapping up at summer camp. Stores are hanging up signs for Back to School sales. The pennant races are heating up. And yes, I've got another hilarious cat clip for you.

Use your imagination

Actually, thanks to these clever marketing folks, you won't need to.

A sweet embrace...

Everybody hug the pommel horse!

If they had ESPYs for retailers...

This is my friend Phil.



Phil's favorite thing is to laugh at other people's pain. Hence it was with great joy that he sent me this video clip. Note the slick editing job by QVC.

Now might also be a good time to revisit the legendary I Love Lucy outtake posted back in November.

If we left the Italians in charge...

Laughed off the stage 2.0

Ruminating about my most recent post, I kept coming back to the hilarious image of ex-Press Secretary Ari Fleischer sheepishly running off stage, after telling the world the official White House point of view that nations cannot be bought for the purposes of advancing a wartime agenda! I guess the press didn't believe it either; here's the video (you'll need Real Player). I doubt any Turks would find it funny, though.

Condi "Glen" Rice gets laughed off the stage

Do you ever wake up in the morning and read the headlines, only to wonder aloud if the world news is actually trying to sound like The Onion? I'm not one to yell at inanimate objects, but I certainly spewed a lot of pound signs and percent symbols at my monitor upon seeing this:

Latin Nations Resist Plan for Monitor of Democracy

Brutal beating in the Bible Belt

This happened in Dallas. An operations manager for Jack in the Box was late for a meeting and called his boss to tell him he was running late. As he was leaving the voice mail message, he witnessed an accident and went on to provide "play by play" of the incident. This is the actual voice mail message. It was forwarded so many times within Jack in the Box, it crashed their voice mail server:

http://scottrope.typepad.com/scott_rope/files/voice_mail.mp3

Frito-Lay dabbles in OTC drugs

Revenge of the Dorks

Most of you have probably already seen this, but in recognition of this week's historic release of the final Star Wars movie "Revenge of the Sith," I'm posting the legendary video "Nerd Wars." (Triumph in '08.)

Does he ever get fruit snacks caught in that thing?

I found this great shot of actor Sam Elliott.




Apparently his son Sammy Elliott Jr. is also an up-and-coming talent...czech the head shot:



Amazingly, the photo is legit--order your fake mustaches at www.orientaltrading.com! Click here to see an example of fake mustache hilarity.

Feel good about yourself!

...because most likely you're going to amount to a whole lot more than these guys. But all kidding aside, these musicians--let's call them The Sin Destroyers, because that's their name--are really onto something. "Jesus Is My Drug" is the long-awaited vindication of Stryper's well-publicized Bible benders from two decades ago...

Many thanks to John Clingan for making us all better people.

Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad

You might say it's too much of a lob to just paste an Onion article into my blog and call it art...and you'd be a right. But this one is pure brilliance:


Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad

AMSTERDAM—American students traveling abroad confirm the findings of a study indicating that Washington's unilateral approach to foreign policy has seriously undermined Americans' chances of getting laid.

"I've been in Amsterdam for two months and have yet to begin a conversation with a cute girl that hasn't ended in a lecture about how big, evil America is taking everyone's oil," said college sophomore Brad Higgs, a participant in Johns Hopkins University's study-abroad program. "I offer to buy them a drink, and they tell me I shouldn't just stand by and watch Bush destroy the world. Look, if I had that type of pull with the president, I obviously wouldn't be out trolling for anonymous Dutch pussy."

The report, released Monday by the Center For U.S.-International Casual Relations, was based on interviews with approximately 1,400 American students returning from abroad. According to study director Gilbert Hapbrook, sexual contact between American students and foreigners has declined steadily since January 2001.

"Unpopular military actions and dismissal of international organizations have galvanized world hostility toward the U.S.," Hapbrook said. "Instead of being inundated with questions about Hollywood and requests to help hot young foreigners practice their English, Americans are being openly scorned in European pubs and cafes. Data taken from a poll of students in December 2004 showed that only a dismal 11 percent had achieved sexual congress with a non-American."

Hapbrook said the 2004 overseas-coitus figures show a slight recovery from the all-time low reached in November 2002, after the Afghanistan invasion and during escalating conflict with Iraq. But the figures are still well below those of 1999, when Bill Clinton was in office and a very healthy 67 percent of respondents scored abroad.

"I'm in Amsterdam—Amsterdam, for Christ's sake—and I'm in the middle of the longest dry spell I can remember," Higgs said. "Last week, I was making out with this Italian girl at a concert. It was all going great until the music ended and she heard my American accent. I swear to God, I went from the cusp of a hand job to, 'Why won't your country sign the Kyoto Treaty?'"

University of Colorado junior Casey Knight recently arrived in Amsterdam after a month in Germany.

"I asked a group of German girls at some Eurotrash disco to dance and they started yelling at me," Knight said. "They said that by paying taxes to the American government, I am no better than a fascist. Well, they would know, I guess."

Even students who actively oppose President Bush are susceptible to criticism, according to Emily Biehn, a Duke University student spending her spring semester in Paris.

"I voted for Kerry and I marched against the Iraq war," Biehn said. "But when I got to Europe, I might as well have been wearing a Bush bumper sticker on my forehead and star-spangled cowboy boots. As soon as the French guys hear I am from the U.S., all they want to do is argue politics."

"And switching tactics and acting like you're totally apathetic about politics just pisses them off even more," Biehn added.

Acknowledging that a large-scale change in American foreign policy is unlikely to occur before the end of the current semester, Hapbrook recommended three tactics for American students frustrated in their attempts to bed foreigners.

"First, pretend you're Canadian whenever you can," Hapbrook said. "But make sure you're not around actual Canadians, because they'll know you're lying and cock-block you. Second, if there are any anti-American protests going on, take care to avoid women carrying signs. Third, focus your itinerary on countries like Ireland and Japan that are still relatively friendly to Americans."

"You may want to write off France altogether," Hapbrook added.

Hapbrook said he developed his tactics in 1983, when the American government was practicing hardline Cold War foreign policy and he was spending his junior year abroad.

Higgs, who spends most of his time in his hostel playing solitaire and watching DVDs on his laptop computer, urged students back home to write to their congressional representatives.

"This affects all of us," Higgs said. "The government has to acknowledge the needs of young Americans. Too many U.S. citizens in foreign lands are spending sleepless, lonely nights jerking off in increasingly filthy sleeping bags. It sucks."

And speaking of Nickelback...

There's nothing funnier than a rock n' roll band that yells out "Who's ready to rock!?!?!" ...and no one is in fact ready to rock. Unless by "ready to rock" you mean throwing rocks at the band.
This one is a few years old, and still kills me...

Raw Bay Area reporting!

Driving Down The 101: blogging the way all of yous like it.

This week's gem is the American Idol Rant. This is a show which pushes the bile to the tip of my tongue, whose popularity makes me weep for the future leadership of my country...so naturally the protagonists are deserving targets of ridicule. These are people whose inevitable downfall on this show is justifiably "cartoonified" for the masses, ostensibly as one more subtle indication that the American Dream is about originality and humility, not about belting out a cheesy ballad to make millions.

If you're going to stoop to that level, why not make it easy on all of us and join the Juice Crew?

The clock strikes midnight--and Cinderella fires up a blunt

Have a look at this bubbling spring of juicy prom photos!

I think my favorite would have to be the Pacers shot (also below), where the girl has a belly button slit obviously sewn by a tailor with a skill level of Doughboy or lower, perhaps purposely carved wide to allow for an emergency ce-section. AND there's a white dude in the shot...is his failure to wear an NBA suit a direct expression of non-partisanship in an effort to remain alive past midnight?

If you want to get technical, you can also laugh at the fact that they clearly missed out on Reggie Miller and Jermaine O'Neal--the last guy to wear #30 on the Pacers was probably Ty Cobb's grandmother...

Caution - flammable

Aptly titled "Proof That God Exists." You've got to wonder how much the pushbroom invades on the angle of the spray. Regardless, That Guy 72, Bears 3.

(Courtesy of our friends at C-Spantastic.)

Say it with me: "Aw."

It appears Zeus "Tiny" Lister is playing pro basketball these days, and wearing his emotions on his sleeveless Uruguayan basketball jersey. Beware--this is raw.

The one question that remains...at the very end, is that anchorman on the right hiding a smile?

And the satchel says "Thud."

And as long as I'm peddling unfunny material, here's why there's never a good reason not to wear a cup.

Not-so-Stealth Ballmer

You know those guys at NBA basketball games, who strut around during timeouts and shoot t-shirts out of cannons to crazed fans? What you don't know is that they all go through a grueling eighteen-week crash course before ever stepping out onto the floor...a training regimen which includes conditioning programs, goatee-growing workshops, and a motivational speech by ex-T-shirt Cannon Man (and current Microsoft CEO) Steve Ballmer.

The Heavier Side Of The Bush Administration #002

Why not up the ante with a nice garden variety of Rich Cheney. It's really only funny because of the title. Sorry, not much of a contribution...I had an itchy posting finger.

The Heavier Side Of The Bush Administration #001

Editing pictures of Bush administration officials is all well and good (C-Spantastic has done some good work!) but it's time someone collected serious pictures too. These come straight from the web, so we know they haven't been tampered with. Tonight's installment: Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton.

Comp and Zircon Pants

OK, so all my avid ChickenCoop fans missed out on some e-lovin this past Tuesday, but, what the shoot, better late than never. Check out this true story from fellow blog-roller Dan Bana, entitled Valentine's Day Troubleshooting at CompUSA.

It will warm your heart as if you just gave your teenage guido son Anthony his first short-shifter.

(I know, clearly a reach on the title of this post; you can't win them all.)

Chubby Jedi Master on X

This young man sort of reminds me of the Star Wars Kid caught on tape making sweet love to a broom handle...but now he's all clubbed out and showing his palms to the world:

http://www3.ns.sympatico.ca/lyle_24/myhero.swf

NBA All-Ugly team

Come on, ever since Scottie Pippen was scorching our corneas during the Bulls' magical dynasty years, you've begged for someone to make a comprehensive list of all the ugliest ballers in the NBA. Search no more--here's a little something to prime you:

Maybe if he spent more time watching the game...

...he'd be the star quarterback, instead of just another random dude on the sidelines.

Pinkey The Yayed-Up Feline

It's a fair question...what is this fascination with cat humor? This time it's not the cat getting injured...it's me and you, our sides splitting from laughter.

The crowd chants: "Offense!"

You know all those bands that suck on purpose, and are proud of it? It's because society learned to laugh at them...thanks to Stache Edwards and the Groovin' A-Cups!

The Great Information Society

It appears the ACLU has hired some top-flite comedic talent with strong heckling credentials. Down with homework!

(You'll need Macromedia Flash to view this.)

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/